Tag: parenting

Life and Health

How to Fail At Using Parenting Expert Advice

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As parents, we want our children to behave appropriately and make good decisions. However, there are times when children act out, break rules, or make poor choices. In these instances, it’s important to give consequences that will help them learn from their mistakes and make better decisions in the future.We had a giant meltdown and temper tantrum over the fact that she couldn’t watch TV before dance class. I had warned her yesterday that this might happen and yesterday she (very maturely) said “ok, I won’t even ask for TV tomorrow before dance class.” Ha! I should have known that was luring me into a false sense of security.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Today, you would have thought I had ripped her right arm off by not allowing her to watch 5 minutes of TV before leaving for dance class. It wasn’t my finest parenting moment so I just said “that’s it, I’m tired of these meltdowns over TV, no more TV this week.”And here is how I didn’t follow the “expert” advice when holding her accountable for her behavior:

  1. Be clear and consistent. I did not give her any warnings — she has been told about this behavior in the past and I understand she’s disappointed and frustrated but so was I so instead of warning her this was coming I just said it….of course now I have to stick to it because if I cave on this I’m going to create a whole new set of problems for myself.Focus on the behavior. I did not call her a terrible and ungrateful child. I did express my frustrations at her behavior because she was “acting a fool” but it probably came out a little harsher than I had intended.Use natural consequences. Not sure what natural consequences would have been for flailing around on the floor kicking and screaming like she was spurting arterial blood because I had simply said “no.” I’m hoping the loss of TV due to her profound, deep feelings for an electronic box will be natural enough to break her habit. Sometimes life is disappointing kiddo, but we need to figure out ways to deal with it.Make consequences proportional. I’m not sure if the rest of the week is proportional for one 10 minute meltdown but maybe it’s proportional enough to make an impact. She and I routinely get into arguments about the TV and her addiction to it. Sometimes it’s because her father and I have different opinions and she unfortunately gets stuck in the middle between us. This time I made sure to call her father and tell him that she gets no TV for the rest of the week.

Before I was a parent, I thought I wasn’t going to negotiate with her, bribe her, or yell at her because I am better than that and then I became a parent in the messy real world and realized that all of these techniques have their place and that’s why parents have been relying on them to varying levels for decades. I may not have been the paragon of parenting wisdom and patience today while fighting with my almost seven year old but we’ve somehow made it through. We’ve, so far, successfully navigated all the potholes and speed bumps.All the “expert” advice is useful but sometimes, as we’ve all experienced, expert advice and real world living aren’t always in tune with each other. On occasion when we’re both having a bad day at the same time we have to wing it and hope for the best. I don’t know what’s going to be the fallout from this particular event but so far things seem to be ok.

Life and Health

Dealing With “Bucket Dippers”

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Photo by Mary Oloumi on Unsplash

If you aren’t aware, there is a book titled “Have You Filled A Bucket Today?” by Carol McCloud. It’s a great little story about “bucket fillers” (people who do nice things for others) and “bucket dippers” (people who do mean things to others). It explains how you can fill your own bucket of happiness by filling other people’s buckets. While I don’t disagree with this sentiment, I think it’s important to teach kids empathy and to be “bucket fillers” but I think we’ve spent so much time trying to force people into being bucket fillers that we haven’t taught kids either how to deal with days when they want to be bucket dippers or how to deal with the bucket dippers in their lives.

We have spent so much time and energy on the “be kind” movement and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere. There still seems to be a large contingent of people that are in it for their own gains and to be fair, there are days where we’re all a little selfish. Sometimes selfish is good but there are other times where being too selfish means being a bucket dipper. Always telling kids to “be kind” or be a “bucket filler” doesn’t help them deal with the very real feelings of wanting to be selfish and sometimes in our adult lives NEEDING to be selfish.

All we’re going to do is raise more adults to be burned out because they’re constantly trying to be something for someone else.

What happens when you’re in a relationship that becomes toxic? What happens when your friends really want you to go out when you really need to stay home and rest? By constantly telling kids to be “bucket fillers” we are missing the fine line between being a decent human being and being a doormat. Sometimes I want my daughter to be selfish, I want her to stand up for herself and be her own person without always being worried about what it’s going to do to someone else’s bucket. And what happens when, because inevitably it will, they want to be selfish and suddenly they worry about whether they’re going into bucket dipper territory? Kids see things in black and white and I wonder what kind of messages “The Giving Tree” and this book are planting in their heads sometimes.

Photo by Nikita Kachanovsky on Unsplash

The other problem I have with this idea is that we’re not telling children HOW to deal with the bucket dippers. There will always be bucket dippers in your life — sometimes they’re friends who unintentionally do things that are hurtful and sometimes they are people who don’t see the world the same way you do. There will always be hurt or angry feelings to contend with and someone who doesn’t like you but we’re setting them up with the unrealistic expectation that we’re “all friends here” when that’s not going to be the case. When you get out into the uncontrolled dog eat dog real world (and sometimes that’s just the playground) it’s not always friendly.

Kids need to find ways to problem solve and resolve conflicts that are more complicated than just the platitude of “be a bucket filler honey!” By not allowing kids free range to work through the difficult and sometimes difficult relationships of life because there’s always an adult going “now be nice to your friends” or something to that effect we’re not letting children develop the necessary skills to navigate the messy waters of real life.

There is another strong-willed girl on our street that is a year younger than my daughter. They generally play together very well but sometimes their fierce personalities get in the way and one (or both) stomp off to their respective houses to sort out their feelings and cool off about whatever the problem happened to be. I recognize this is part of being a kid and part of dealing with other people. I haven’t stepped in to try and force the two girls to work out their issues and “stay friends” because we all get angry sometimes, we all want it our way (Burger King banked on that) and part of learning how to deal with other people is learning that we must pick and choose and sometimes there needs to be compromise. Living in the real world means determining what you can compromise on and what you can’t but sometimes you can’t identify the boundaries until they’ve been crossed, and you deal with the fallout of that.

Yes, I want my daughter to be a “bucket filler” most of the time but I don’t want her to be so focused on being a bucket filler that she loses herself in the mix. 

I want all of us to be kind and that includes being kind to ourselves; sometimes we need to fill up our own bucket in whatever ways we feel called to do.

Being in community sometimes means that things get a little complicated and we must learn to deal with the unpleasantness when things don’t go the way we want them to so I will continue trying to help my daughter navigate the grey messy middle in between being a doormat or always doing for others and being a jerk.

STEM Mom

Questions to Ask Your Kid

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Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

From personal experience and interactions with other parents we want our children to grow up to be the best people they can be. And sometimes it is exhausting; there are definitely times where it is easier just to give them the answers or do it for them but ultimately that makes it harder on them in the long run.

In this short read I’ve compliled a list of easy questions to ask your children to get their brain flowing and make sure they are taking ownership of their observations in this world.

  1. Why? The easiest way to get your kids thinking and processing what they’re saying or doing is asking them why. Why do you think that? Why will that work? Why won’t that work? Asking them why (similar to the way they ask you when they’re trying to figure the world out) makes them truly think about what they’re saying/doing instead of them just blinding moving forward.
  2. What do you think will happen? Asking them to predict the outcome and then following up with a “were you right or wrong?” helps them begin to make connections between actions and consequences. It will take some time before this part of their brain is fully formed and functional but you can start building those neural pathways as early as 2 by having conversations with your kids about what they think will happen when they do x, y, or z.
  3. How would you solve this problem? Whether it’s the “new” math, an issue with friends or a problem with a teacher asking your child(ren) how they would solve the problem and then walking them through their predictions about it (see number 2) you give them agency over their choices and decisions. You can guide the discussion to help get them to the right answer but ultimately this allows them to feel confident in making decisions or solving problems when you’re not around.
  4. How would you feel if you were in her/his/their shoes? We are naturally self-centered beings. It’s what allows us to stay safe and quickly identify potential dangers because we have a lot of “me, me, me” on the brain. However when it comes to being a functioning member of a society whether that means as a global citizen or as a member in a family it is critical for kids (and adults) to develop empathy for the way things we say or do will affect others. It’s not always perfect and we do screw it up probably more often than we’d like but by asking your kid(s) to put them in someone else’s shoes that helps them understand how to be a better person.
  5. How did you (or can you) figure that out? When our kids come to us with issues or questions sometimes it is super easy just to fire off the answer but in the long run that doesn’t help them become comfortable at finding the answer themselves. There will always be questions to answer or problems to solve but when we offer up the solution to our kids right away in the name of being tired, making it easier, or having to get something done (or out of the house) it will be harder on them (and us) in the long run.
Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

When you engage your child(ren)’s critical thinking skills at a young age you start building the neural pathways they need to be better people in the long run. School will be easier and life will be easier if you discuss and let your kids come up with some answers on their own — even when you know their wrong. Wrong answers or failing at something isn’t a bad thing until you, as the parent, make it so. Wrong answers are just an attempt at gathering more information about the world around us and stepping back into the fray to try and get the right answer will give your child(ren) much more confidence as they move through this world.

Don’t be afraid to get messy, make mistakes, and ask questions. This is how we all learn but sometimes adults forget that magic.

Life and Health

Trying to Raise a Wild Woman (Without Losing My $***)

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I’ve been reading “Women who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés for months.  It’s a wonderful book but it is definitely a book that takes time to read and digest it.  In working to identify and focus on my “wildish” nature I realized that someone, with more qualifications than I have, needs to make a parenting guide for raising children who run with the wolves because as Frederick Douglass said: “it’s easier to build strong children than fix broken men” (although I believe “fixing broken men” is also important it’s not the focus of this writing).  

Continue reading “Trying to Raise a Wild Woman (Without Losing My $***)” →
Life and Health

Parenting philosophy

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I know I’ve only been at this gig for almost three years but I’ve developed some philosophies about parenting in that short time.  The internet is a treasure trove or minefield so take this as nothing more than my own experience and mantras, both as a high school teacher and a mom.

_There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one._ _Sue Atkins (1)

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Life and Health

Tomorrow is Always a New Day

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I’ve only been at this parenting gig for a little under 2 years at this point and with only one child at the moment so you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt but the stark contrast in the past two days has been remarkable and it reminds me that the only constant is in fact change.  “The days are long but the years are short” is a mantra that sits in the back of my mind but sometimes it still gets lost in the day to day life.

Continue reading “Tomorrow is Always a New Day” →