Author: insidethemessylife

Whether you’re trying to accomplish personal or professional goals, many of us struggle to meet those goals. Since we’ve attempted to move on since the pandemic, I’ve noticed that many of us seem to be struggling with getting our lives “back” in order. It seems that our attention is divided and our focus is constantly being pulled in different directions so we’re never quite able to sit and get the things done that we need to get done.

Even as I try to write this post I am bouncing between the writing of it and weekly planner sheets I designed to try and share it with you but as I bounce between these two activities they both suffer. Neither one is getting my full attention so it’s actually taking me longer and I’m doing a poor job with both of them instead of telling myself to focus on one task, finish it, and then I can focus on the other. So here I am trying to focus on the top five tips I’ve found helpful to make the most out of the time I have to get $hit done.

1. Prioritize tasks — one of the things I’ve realized that keeps me from maximizing my productivity is that I think all tasks are equally important and deserve to be treated as if they are the most important thing to do. This is a fallacy that keeps me from getting things done in the best way possible. All tasks are not created equal — some are big and time consuming, some are small and time consuming, some are big and don’t really take a lot of time, and so on. By treating all of the tasks on your to-do list with the same weight it feels like there is a lot more on your plate than what’s really true. By prioritizing or categorizing tasks based on their importance and their time commitment you can get things done in a way that matches your energy availability and time to spend to get the most bang for your productivity buck.
   
2. Use time-blocking — Time-blocking is a method where you block out your calendar in such a way to maximize your time. Once you’ve prioritized your tasks based on how important they are and how much time they’d take up you can put them into your time-block and work on them. I explore that more in this post where I talk about how I’ve divided my preps up into creating new content and grading (the two most important and time consuming tasks for any teacher). By using my prep to focus on just one of those things at a time I get more done because I’m not switching gears and my brain isn’t getting lost in the process. (Just like telling myself to stop trying to share the weekly planner designs so I can actually WRITE the post).
   
3. Take breaks — We have been conditioned to just WORK, work through the block, work through the need to pee, just keep going but the research shows that breaks can be just as important for creative and critical thinking as well as overcoming roadblocks. I personally really love the Pomodoro Technique where you work for a set period of time (I generally use twenty minutes in class) and then take a five minute break. I discuss this technique more in this post. Some of the students don’t take the break but you can see the ones who’s focus is about to crash at the end of the twenty minutes and the relief when they get their breaks. It also generally keeps them off their cell phones because they know the opportunity is coming which leads me to number 4….
   
4. Eliminate distractions — We like to believe that we can multitask but the reality is every time your attention switches from one activity to the next you have to mentally reorient yourself. This doesn’t necessarily mean listening to music or other background noise (although when I write I prefer lo fi beats on Spotify so the lyrics of the music aren’t competing with the words I want on the page) but don’t try to do too much at once. As you switch from task to task without ever finishing one, it gets harder and harder to keep each one straight; focus on what you’re trying to do until you’re done.
   
5. Learn to say no — One of the problems I see with a lot of people is that they try to do too much or agree to too many things (or their kids). There was a period of time when all humans did was facilitate survival (hunt, gather, farm) and rest. Meals could be slow social affairs, we sat around fires telling stories, and just generally being with each other. In today’s modern world of go-go-go we’ve lost these moments and by saying no you might be able to bring some more of those moments back which help us recharge and be ready to tackle another problem on another day.

Being productive doesn’t mean having to work all the time, and I’d argue that we shouldn’t work all the time. I know I’ve felt like a confused, distracted mess who can’t get anything done because I’m often trying to do too many things at once. By prioritizing tasks, using time-blocking, taking breaks, eliminating distractions, and saying no when I had to I’ve become more efficient with my time which allows me to work smarter, not harder. These tools allow me to get more done when I need to so I can have more time for the fun things I want to do.

As humans, we all experience periods of time when we feel uninspired. It can be a frustrating and disheartening experience, especially when we are trying to be creative or productive. Whether you are an artist, writer, student, or working professional, feeling uninspired can affect your ability to come up with new ideas, find motivation, and complete tasks.

As I stare at the blank screen looking back at me before I started typing, I am currently feeling this way with all the ways that life is being really life-y at the moment. It’s both things big like the existential dread about the world collapsing when I have an almost 7 year old who will have to live in whatever mess is left and small around things that are specifically affecting me through work and other things.

Here are a few tips to that helped me overcome feeling uninspired and finally putting some words down on a page:

1. Take a break — Sometimes when I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall trying to solve a problem or move past something I need to step away from it for a few minutes or days while I get my head back in the game. Unfortunately I am not programmed to step away from problems (or fights) and it takes a lot for me to stop for 24 hours (or whatever) before I continue. My intellectual, rational self knows I need to take a break but my stubbornness wants me to finish it. I have found that taking a break and a breather really helps me come back to the problem with fresh eyes and fresh energy.
2. Change your routine — Executive functioning craves routine but routine starts to feel like monotony and habits start to feel like rules. Being able to create “spontaneous routine” has been a process as I try to keep the habits that support a healthy and happy life but can sometimes feel like chains. I have started booking “movement time” in my calendar instead of a specific workout. This way I have the habit of movement but I’m not chained to one particular thing.
3. Get out of your comfort zone — Sometimes, we can feel uninspired because we are too comfortable with what we are doing. Push yourself to try something new, take a risk, or challenge yourself. This can help you break out of your comfort zone and find inspiration in new experiences. I started using a journal with prompts in it that I found in the “book cellar” or whatever Barnes and Noble call their cheap books now. I haven’t used a journal with prompts before so by focusing on specific sentence prompts or questions I have to think and write about what the journal wants me to, which can sometimes feel uncomfortable.
4. Seek inspiration from others — I often fall into the egotistical trap of “it’s just me” or “I’m the only one”. As human beings (or maybe just the US) moved away from community centered care and thought we get trapped in our individualism. Except the problem with individualism is you’re just like everyone else. Hot Topic had (has?) a shirt that says “You’re unique, just like everyone else.” And right now that hits home as the US grapples with the struggle of rugged individualism or pull yourself up by your bootstraps with the desire to become more community centered and focused (just look at the fight we had over the pandemic). When feeling uninspired, going out there and reading content from others (or…gasp…books!) sometimes you get ideas from the most random places.
5. Set achievable goals — Setting achievable goals can help you stay motivated and inspired. Start with small goals and work your way up to bigger ones. Celebrate your achievements along the way, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t achieve everything you set out to do. Celebrate and give yourself the gold star for the goals you set and achieve. We all need a carrot on a stick once and a while to keep going but sometimes we have to make our own carrot.

Feeling uninspired is a natural part of the creative process. However, with a little effort and the right mindset, you can overcome it and find inspiration again. Remember to take breaks, change up your routine, get out of your comfort zone, seek inspiration from others, and set achievable goals. With these tips in mind, you can break through your uninspired feelings and get back to creating your best work.

Don’t be afraid to get back out there in life; inspiration and motivation can come from the darnedest places but you have to keep your eyes, heart, and brain open to finding it.

A couple nights ago, we had a big blowout meltdown here over consequences. I asked my child if she had homework — she knows she’s supposed to finish her homework before she watches TV. She told me no, did all the other things she had to do (get ready for dance, hang her bag and coat up…normal stuff for a 6 year old) and then asked if she could watch TV. I said sure because we had about 30 minutes until we had to leave for dance. About 5 minutes before getting ready to leave, I look in her bookbag and stumble across the ignored homework. I tell her to turn the TV off and she loses her mind. “I forgot!!” She keeps telling me and whether it’s good or bad, at this point I dug in. Nope, no TV until you do the homework.

On our way to dance she’s still having an epic meltdown and I explain to her that there are consequences for when we forget things. I, for example, had forgotten to order paper straws for a lab I was doing with Marine Biology students and instead of sitting in a coffee shop writing my post while I usually do when she’s at dance, I now had to brave the wilds of Wal-Mart to find some paper straws. I tried to explain to her that I too now had to do something I didn’t particularly care for — shopping in person AND shopping in Wal-Mart — instead of doing what I wanted to because I forgot something.I sent her to dance with a twinge of parental guilt…. So many questions:1. Was she just really tired and that’s why she had such an blockbuster meltdown?2. Should I have been the sweet, comforting, everything’s alright mom instead of the tough love mom tonight?3. Is she going to bear resentment to me all night long?4. What is she going to say about me in therapy years from now?The list went on and on…. 

We spin ourselves up in guilt or shame because we somehow think we’re doing it wrong if our child has big feelings instead of realizing that big feelings, mistakes, consequences and dealing with it all is a part of life and children need to learn how to do it for themselves. 

Often when children are young, the mistakes they make are cute or not a big deal so it seems that people choose not to correct them; I could have easily told her “well next time….” In hopes that she would somehow magically learn her lesson without me having to do anything about it.I have a distinct memory of watching Maury Povich one day when I was home sick from school (like you did in the 90s) and it was one of the episodes where parents were begging for Maury to send their child(ren) to boot camp to straighten them out because at 12, 13, 14, etc… their behavior had gotten so bad the parents felt at a loss. But there seemed to be a common thread amongst the parents that when the child did something wrong when they were 2, 3, 4, 5 years old, they were never corrected or felt any consequences from their actions and children do what they know. If you haven’t taught them x, y, or z is wrong and they haven’t experienced consequences teaching them those actions were wrong they will continue doing those same behaviors as if nothing is wrong. And as children get bigger, behaviors get bigger, problems get bigger, consequences get bigger and sometimes out of our control.

We’ve also come into a time where, for whatever reason, parents feel judged if their child makes a mistake and someone (a teacher or coach for example) attempts to call their kid on the mistake. “Oh not my child,” or “well, because they were dealing with x, y, or z so expect them to misbehave or make mistakes.” There is a litany of excuses parents (or other adults) give to excuse a child’s behavior instead of working to correct them. We are the adults, we build the fences and create the boundaries that the children are supposed to try to cross and then we teach them why they shouldn’t cross those lines.They are supposed to test us, we are the adults and thus supposed to help them learn the lessons of why those boundaries are in place. “No honey, you should not touch the hot stove because it will burn you.”That’s not to say we can’t have compassion and grace for children when they make said mistakes (because they will) but we can be strong and compassionate at the same time. Remember that discipline has it’s roots in learning, not punishment. Dealing with consequences are part of the learning process and we need to help children learn to deal with consequences for their actions because if we don’t in a loving and compassionate way (most of the time, not saying I don’t lose my cool….she is a feisty one) someone else out there (i.e. police, mortgage company, etc….) will do it in a very heartless way. If they don’t experience consequences early and learn to understand them, they will learn later in ways that might be more harmful to them.I suffered through my consequence of having to shop in person and picked her up from dance. She got in the car, “I’m sorry mommy.”“I’m sorry too honey,” because I had done my own fair share of poor communication. “What are we going to do differently if you don’t know whether you have homework or not?”“Check my folder.”Stay tuned for whether she remembers or not.

“The first step to helping is listening.”

In a rare moment of parenting wisdom, I said this to my daughter on our way to participate in a local Martin Luther King, Jr Day of Service and I realized that this was as profound for me as it was for her.

I am routinely one that jumps into action, many times before I know the whole story or all the details. I am a swift “fixer.” I leap whether you’ve asked for my help and advice or not. I tend to start brainstorming answers and then attempt to implement them when they’re usually half-baked and not ready for consumption yet.

I fear stewing in a problem. I want to tackle it and deal with it ASAP. I know my energy is sometimes unappreciated because I just want to DO SOMETHING.

If I’m taking steps, we will at least make progress, if I’m stewing the problem will just grow in my mind.

I am often someone who would rather throw solutions at the wall and see what sticks instead of sitting around and thinking about a problem; I have very rarely in my life suffered from what I call “analysis paralysis”. I have never sat and thought about something for very long so when this statement came out I almost had to shut my mouth because I don’t model this very well.

It almost sounded like I was reading a fortune cookie of parenting but I realized that I need to practice what I preach. I am working more on being an ally (as a verb) this year and one of the things I need to work on during this journey the most is shutting up and not taking up space.

I like to take up ALLLLLLLL the space, I like to do all the talking, and I am recognizing that this might not always be the most helpful especially because I tend to jump on the “let’s get this done!” bandwagon too fast. I like to start trying anything as opposed to waiting to take the perfect step or make the perfect decision. Some of you may envy my inability to stop and think because maybe you wish you were more reckless or you took more actions, or opened your mouth right then and there instead of having the perfect come back at two am but let me tell you, sometimes it definitely bites me in the ass.

While I generally appreciate my “go get it” attitude there are definitely times when I need to shut up and listen. Not only as a cis, hetero, white woman (and a Karen at that) trying to be an ally but also as someone who has interpersonal relationships that often go awry because I open mouth-insert foot more often than I care to admit.

I tend to believe I have all the answers even if they are undeveloped or harebrained schemes; I dig into my own “rightness” so hard that I will follow one of these underdeveloped plans off a cliff because I just have to keep going with it despite all the signs that tell me to stop and turn back (see all the arguments with my partner when I refuse to give up or back down).

But this statement to my daughter, just randomly as we were driving, made me pause and realize that part of my work this year is definitely going to be practicing active listening in all spaces and areas of my life. I also need to not retreat from those areas or spaces because I’m afraid I’ll overstep my bounds; it is not better that I don’t show up, I need to learn to show up but then sit on my hands and potentially cover my mouth, either figuratively or literally, so I can be an active listener and hear what people need from me not just what I want to give them.

The survival of humanity on many levels, from the interpersonal to the global, rely on us being willing to stop and listen to each other. 

As Margaret Wheatly says in the poem, “Turning to One Another”:

Know that creative solutions come from new connections.

Remember, you don’t fear people whose story you know.

Real listening always brings people closer together.

Trust that meaningful conversations can change your world.

Rely on human goodness. Stay together

There has been a lot of discussion about the educational space about what materials are being taught, presented, or available to students at different levels and I have made some observations about these discussions.

First, I’d like to preface this by saying that I am a parent to a first grader, a biology master’s degree holder, and a public high school teacher for 15 years. I have been at this a long time and I can see some generalities and relationships but I would by no means call myself an educational expert and I am not passing myself off as such but it seems that people who are parents and/or have attended school at some time in their lives are becoming experts on what kids are supposed to learn and how they are supposed to learn.

Let’s just reminder ourselves what an expert is:

“having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience” from The Merriam Webster Dictionary

None of those things I listed make me an expert, the masters degree and 15 years of experience definitely give me a leg up but I am not an expert about ALL children. My experience in the classroom gives me insights into what works and what doesn’t work but my experience is still fairly limited to my school (a high school), in my district (large suburban district), in my state (NJ). I do not have experience with students living in different areas of the country or students in different educational levels other than my students or the experience I have limited to my own elementary age child.

The information I have is what we call anecdotal despite the fact that over the course of my career I have probably taught close to 1500 students (creating research studies for human participants is incredibly difficult). However, because of those 1500 students I have gained some wisdom and insight but even if I can talk louder than the person next to me that doesn’t mean I am an expert. Being a parent definitely doesn’t come with any special training and attending a school does not give you experience for all students in all different types of schools.

As a parent, you have the right to control your child but children shouldn’t exist in a vacuum. If you have a problem with your child being exposed to other ideas or a variety of people then you should probably opt to homeschool them. Teachers are there to teach all children the information they need to be a member of society — unless you plan to live in a commune or completely separate from society your child will face people who think, act, and ARE different. If you want your child to be constantly disappointed that life doesn’t measure up to their vision of it; if you are afraid that what you are teaching at home will crumble the minute your child is exposed to a new idea or a new way of thinking it might be a time to step back and re-evaluate.

Ideas get stronger as they are discussed, contested, and refined. Multiple viewpoints (theoretically, congress notwithstanding) make better ideas. I am a firm believer that “expertise” often comes from collaborative efforts because when we discuss the human condition there are so many variables that no one person or entity could possibly have all the answers.

I am a cis-gendered, straight teacher but I have had LGBTQIA students. I am a white teacher but I have had students with a variety of racial backgrounds. This means not every lesson is going to land the same with every student. There are days where I see certain students light up and “get it”; these connections happen because I create lessons that are accessible to the kids who have a dual-parent household and the kids who might be struggling because mom or dad is absent (or many other difficult stories, you would be surprised what goes on in kids’ lives even in “nice” suburban schools).

It is not my job to teach only to my cis, straight, white students. My job as an educator is to care for all the students in my classroom and to teach them ALL to the best of my ability.

But for me, as a parent, to fight against “And Tango Makes Three” because it depicts two male penguins adopting a baby chick and making a family is ludicrous because that is the reality for some of my students and some of my daughter’s classmates. My daughter (at least at this point) is also cis, white, and straight but her classmates are not and they deserve to see representations of themselves as much as my daughter deserves to see herself in the stories told at school.

You want a teacher who teaches your child different lessons in different ways; that will ensure your child understands it better. You want a teacher who is able to push back against your child’s ideas and misconceptions — this is how we learn after all. You want teachers who help build your child’s critical thinking skills. 

Being a critical thinker doesn’t mean that your ideas are always accepted or never challenged; being a critical thinker means that your child will question and evaluate the information and then grow from it.

Children need teachers who are supportive but also willing to be devil’s advocate; children need teachers that are going to open their eyes, their minds, and their hearts to all the beautiful aspects of this human life.

Equip your child with the skills and the values that they need to live; in a perfect society that happens as a partnership between what you value in your home and what is taught in the school. Let your children see their role in the beautiful tapestry because that will help them be successful as they grow up.

White women, we must wake up. Hear me out, read to the end, and if you now hate me or think I’m wrong that’s fine but please don’t check out just because I am telling you to wake up.

I am one of you — a suburban, college educated, home-owning, karate parent (ok, not a “soccer mom” but that’s the closest I can get). I know the number of pressures we are feeling — obligations to our families, both immediate and extended, the stress of the economy, the fear of the world our children are growing up in and don’t forget the constant barrage of people telling us to take care of ourselves.

There doesn’t often seem like enough money in the bank account, time in the day, or energy in our bodies to handle it all. However, these crises have been going on for decades and they are coming to a head because corporate greed has consistently been placed before you and your families. Bottom lines have been growing to epic proportions that have continued to edge out our solidly middle class living — it has not been anyone other than corporate profits and making money for boards and shareholders that have created the world we are struggling so hard to live in.

Remember when living on one income didn’t seem like a crazy idea? Not that I personally would make a great stay at home mom, and I don’t want to be one, but if you do that life can feel so out of reach. Look at what’s been happening to local stores — small businesses that spend MOST of their money back in the community they live in have been edged out by corporate retailers and franchises because the local guy can’t keep up. But this isn’t about the economy — or I should say this isn’t JUST about the economy.

The world is hurting, the world is on fire, and we generally keep voting for people who want to pour gasoline on the fire.

We have been on this precipice before as a culture, we used to be ok with children dying or being badly injured in factory accidents. We used to be ok with bosses making it impossible for employees to escape a fire (yes, that really happened, look up the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire).

We have been the pawns in other people’s games unless we the people, all the people, stood up against it. Children don’t die working (as often) and employees have basic rights because we stood up and fought the powers that be for those rights.

We can do it again; we can change the world if we stop being pawns in the game played by those who just want to tap us on the shoulder and run away.

The real “they” we should be fighting are the ones who don’t have ALL children’s best interests at heart. The ones who want children born but don’t want them fed, clothed, educated, or loved by the society they live in.

We should not be arguing with people, some of them have a smaller slice of the pie than we do, over who’s got more pie when corporations are bringing in record profits for their shareholders.

This isn’t new information and it’s very easy to search for who’s really winning the race right now and for the most part it isn’t any of us, but “they” want us to believe we’d win the race if the other guy wasn’t there.

This isn’t a zombie movie; you do not need to be the fastest to make it out alive (in the name of transparency if this WAS a zombie movie I’d kick someone in the knees to ensure I get away to fight another day).

Follow the money.

Who benefits from us fighting each other? Who benefits by keeping everyone else scrambling over the left overs?

Don’t play into the fears. We have been through this all before but the “mine” mentality has never been the savior when we’ve been in this position. During World War II, when the government needed more resources to fight the fascists, what did we do as a society?

We gave up our nylons, we tended victory gardens, we rationed milk, eggs, and butter. Do you think the allies won WWII without our support and banding together? Did the “mine” mentality beat the Nazis?

Do you think it’s going to beat the Nazis now? There are Nazis and a million other groups who are so afraid of losing the power that they tenuously hold now that they are willing to attempt to overthrow the government to keep it instead of being able to see that we can all be part of the brilliant future, a future made of a million different threads.

“A rising tide raises all boats,” I’ve heard from people still thinking trickle down economics works (newsflash, it doesn’t and hasn’t ever worked) but if that’s the case then let’s work to raise the boats for as many people as possible because it will then raise the boats for everyone.

We have the power to protect our children and to make workplaces and communities safe; we’ve done it before. We have the power, as white women, to help make decisions that protect all children and show all children that they are loved and cared for regardless of their circumstances. If the other 6-year-old children in my daughter’s first grade class feel as safe, stable, and loved as she does, imagine the world she would live in as an adult?

As I tell my daughter often, a lot of times hurt people then hurt people. We can’t make hurt people feel better by hurting them back, hurting others, or ourselves. It takes a lot to step back and act from a place of love and empathy. People are telling us they are hurting; people are telling us that we are doing the hurting (or maybe in some cases just not helping); step back and examine yourself to see where that could be the case. I am not perfect, and I don’t believe anyone is asking for perfection, but if we can all do a little something better it will push the needle in the right direction.

Don’t just fight for your kid to be on the soccer team or for your kid to see themselves in books read at school — fight for all kids to be able to join the team or see themselves in media. Fight for all kids because those are the kids that your child is going to one day interact with as an adult.

In the immortal words of Whitney Houston:

“I believe the children are our future
 Teach them well and let them lead the way
 Show them all the beauty they possess inside
 Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
 Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be”

~Greatest Love of All

If you want to create a future for your kid, there must be a future for all the children on this planet and as white, suburban mothers we have the power to do that.